20

Happy Birthday. It is the last week before finals start. These next 3 weeks will suck. I'm going to start studying tomorrow. Seriously, but that's probably only because I still have a regular test on Wednesday. I'm sleepy. Nothing new, nothing new.

Georgia Voter

Just like everyone else

Yeah, I noticed before you told me. I've become what I hate. I don't really know what I'm doing. I don't have any real goals for my life. I have less than when I started college. I don't really care about getting married; I don't even have any desire to have a girlfriend. I don't know if I want kids. I don't care about getting into grad school or ever making it to UNC. I've pretty much decided that I won't ever study abroad. I'll never play soccer again, at least not competitively. Poker cannot support me or anybody in my family. I don't know what I believe in anymore. I don't really care about who our President is. All I really want to do is play video games.

The past year has changed me in ways I didn't believe possible. Am I really that different? I'm not as good as I thought I was. I'm not sad, upset, or bitter while I'm writing this either. It's just a reflection of the truth. I really think disappearing for a while would help sometimes, but I like it here. I generally enjoy being how I am. It's funny how the people who criticize me for being a pushover are the ones who take advantage of it the most.

People often ask, "What do you strive for?" In 2007 I would have said that I want everyone to be happy. Now I would probably say that I want myself to be happy. Does that make me selfish? Everyone can only control themselves. I've been alive long enough to know how to make myself happy, and that's really the only responsibility I have to the world. Being happy makes other people happy and enjoy being around you while being sad makes other people not enjoy being around you. It's really simple, although there are exceptions to this every now and then.

I'm really excited about the holidays.

PSYC 1101

This is me, paying attention in Psychology. It also happens to be Photo Booth picture 1127.

I'm really sleepy. I might fall asleep in class today. I write bad papers.


Published June 12, 2010

Gotta Dance

Well, maybe I'll join the Navy. I wonder how many people are trying to escape right now. I know at least 5. I'm sick. My throat is really hurting. I have a test in 5 hours. I'm going to sleep. I'd be feeling differently if this was anytime earlier in my life than right now, but I ain't got time to bleed. School is beginning to become important again, and I actually like it.

hello

As the eighth day of Mustache October! comes to a close, my mustachio is looking rather weak sauce. Blog done.

Junk

I'm a little bit petrified at the moment. I've always said to myself "why worry, it doesn't help anything." I guess I'm old enough to screw my life up. That's scary to think about. I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready for this responsibility. I need to go back in time. I'll be okay. I'll be okay, right?

North Tower

This is me. Sitting in the SLC. We got smoked Saturday 41 to 30. No game this weekend, which might be a good thing. I doubt we'll have anymore Blackouts.

I have work today. I really don't like work. Some guy just took the chair I was looking at. Now what am I supposed to look at for the next hour?

I got 120 Stars on Mario 64 for the first time in my life yesterday. It was cool. A lot of my life has been spent on video games. They're just pretty fun. Really, they are. People probably think I'm lame because I'd rather play a video game than watch a movie, but movies aren't fun. Video games are fun. Movies put me to sleep. Don't get me wrong (not that there's anybody actually reading this), I like movies. Every once in a while. Maybe it's my short attention span, but I get bored while watching movies pretty easily.

Speaking of boredom, I'm bored. I have a bunch of bug bites on my ankles. They bug me. Bug bites bug me.

Anyway Grades after week 6
ACCT 2101 - 78.15
ECON 2105 - 89.67
ECON 2106 - 90.91
PSYC 1101 - 89.36
ANTH 1102 - (No grades posted)

I think my goal of 89.5 all throughout highschool ruined me. And ACCT is just pretty tough.

I just read every post I've ever made. I think the earlier ones are a lot better than the more recent ones. Also March-August was pretty much blank. That has to do with the transition of me becoming more content with my life. This school year has been more stable than last year. I like living in my apartment, and I don't really think about life in general nearly as much. Maybe that's because I have a job and play video games a lot more than I did last year. I work at a dining hall 2 days a week for 5.5 hours. It's not a lot but I kind of hate it. It's good for me though. I'm semi-succeeding at school too. I still don't really do homework, but I was pretty good at picking classes that don't have a whole lot of it. Just rock a test every few weeks and I'm good to go. I might have to drop Anthropology though. That class bored me. I guess I'll go to class now. And then go to work. And then go home. And then play donkey kong. And then sleep.

4:27 AM Saturday

It's 4:27 on a Saturday mornin and it's time for some blogapostin. We got Alabama vs. UGA (woof woof, Grr, go dawgs, sic 'em, oof oof, and so on and so forth) tomorrow/today. Should be a great game. One I do not have the ticket to. Oh well, if I had one I would sell it for at least $100, which would be sweet. My fingers are sticky. I'm typing like a Gonzalez at the moment. I'm not sure I spelled that right. No type to check though, my fingers are getting sleepy. The rest of me too. Sleepy sleep. I'm scared of my dreams. The range of good and bad has been frightening this week. I want to talk to people from high school. That's different. Mistakes suck. Gosh dang darn nation in the morning. Ok, I'm done for now. Adios chalupas y gorditos. I changed gordita to gordito to make it masculine.

I don't swear much

Damn it.


*NOTE June 12, 2010: This is what I originally ended up posting on August 31, 2008 instead of the post that can now be viewed below this one. On June 12, 2010 I decided to publish the original, but I wanted to keep this one too.

Swing me higher, Richard

Damn. I feel terrible. You were right, you did tell me. That makes it my fault. That's the worst feeling in the world. The tremendous feeling of deja vu isn't helping either. I can't have best friends.

I wanted so much for you to be happy. Maybe that's what started it all. I thought I could "fix" it. I had no idea what affect it would have on me. I miss you already despite everything. This is for the best though. It has to be. Right?

Very few people I meet are really happy, which makes me wonder what I'm doing. I want to run away to my house. I should have done that earlier. stop hurting people you care about alex. Why does everything have to be so...

I don't know what to write about. I just know I won't be able to sleep. I'm sure I'm not the only one with that problem tonight.


Published: June 12, 2010
*NOTE: This is the original entry that I wrote on August 31, 2008. I was not comfortable posting it at the time so I chose to simply use the entry that can be found above this one.

Deuces and Jacks

Poker. I've played a lot of it in my life. I don't think I'm that good. Well, sometimes I am. I am good at not going broke completely, but I have a hard time winning a whole lot.


Published: June 12, 2010

Tortilla Chips and Fire Sauce

My nose itches and the title of this post has nothing to do with anything. Well, the fire sauce is sitting right next to my computer. I guess that's a little something. No tortilla chips though. I started this blog thinger last November. That means it's closing in on a year. Despite that, I still think blogs are pretty dumb. Pictures are cool though. I have to study for a quiz. Or randomly write on random people's facebook walls. And then a random song by Poison pops in my head. I think my brain is messed up. I'll probably dream about Slim-Fast tonight. Or Magnavox. Things begin to bore me after a while. I like understanding everything I say despite it's ridiculousness. Writing is just for me to have fun. Some people have real problems. I have spiders and an overabundance of Mello Yello cans. That's the first time I realized there is no Y at the end of the Yello that follows the Mello. Commercials for medicines make me angry.

Recycle

Sometimes I'm not okay with myself. I think it might be time to hide. I wonder if my bed is going to catch on fire tonight. I don't know where I'm going. I'm a whiner. Not this again. Go to school, get a job, erase empty time and thoughts will go with it. I'm not clever, I don't try to be. My stomach hurts 18 hours a day. I like sleeping because dreams are better than real life.

UGA Fall 2008 Day 2

Classes
ANTH 1102
ACCT 2101
PSYC 1101

Today was pretty easy as well. Accounting is going to be my hardest class. I'm hoping to drop either Anthropology or Psychology and pick up Classical Mythology (my Latin teacher from 9th grade teaches that class). I got a new UGA card today, and it appears that I need a haircut. Dangnation.

UGA Fall 2008 Day 1

Classes
ECON 2106
ECON 2105

Today was easy, but I still threw up. I'm tired of getting sick on the first day of school. I thought that was supposed to stop happening in Elementary School. Both of the classes I went to today seemed pretty good though; unfortunately, tomorrow is going to be much worse.

Flamingos and Happy Stars

When I asked Captain Alex about love he seemed rather amused at the subject.

"Love is a silly thing. I never personally experienced anything that convinced me that there was any 'love' like that described in books or movies. I am positive it exists though because my friend Solomon convinced me of it. He fell in love with this one girl at a pretty young age. Before his twenties I believe. I can't really remember her name now that I think about, although he must have told me hundreds of times. It started with an A or an S or something. Anyway, this girl must have been something else the way Sol talked about her. Night after night he would put me to sleep describing how beautiful her smile was. Course this wasn't until I had been traveling with him for over a year. He never even mentioned her to me or, anyone else for that matter, until I pestered him about that book he was always scribbling in. Always would just say 'nothing' in that boring voice of his when I'd ask him what he was writing about. First few times I asked I didn't really care, just thought I'd try to make conversation with the guy. After about 35 'nothings' I really became interested though. He'd get this face whenever he'd write in that book. Something like he knew it was all pointless. You, me, everything that we did was just an unavailing sequence of events that served no true purpose. I never agreed with the idea that our lives were pointless, but then again I achieved what I wanted. I think he just did what people expected of him."

"Anyway, back to my point. After a few months of asking him what he was writing about in his book he told me it mainly was about this girl he used to know. I asked him if he had gotten her pregnant, and I will never forget the look he gave me. It was a mixture of disgust and sorrow. Of course this only lasted for a second before he made his little smile and said 'No, it's not like that. I love her though.' This was a little surprising considering that I had never heard him even mention anything from his past the entire time I had been with him. How could he supposedly love a girl that he hadn't had any contact with for so long? I assumed it must have been his old girlfriend or maybe even wife, so I asked him how long they were together. He gave a little snort at this and simply responded, 'Not long enough.' That was all I got out of him that night and usually I would have lost interest, seeing as how love stories tend to bore me, but Sol had a way of making you want to know more. And you could tell he really wanted someone to talk to about it too.

"So that girl you're always writing about, what's she like?"

"I don't know."

"You don't know? You seem to have a lot to say about her when you're writing every night. Can I see that book?"

"I already told you no. There's not much to say really? She's just another person."

"Mmmhmm. Does she write about you?"

"No."

"Is she still alive."

"Far as I know."

"And you love her?"

"Yes."

"But you never see her or talk to her?"

"Right."

"I don't understand."

"Didn't expect you to."

"What's she like?"

"Perfect"


"Sol wasn't really much of a talker. I'd sometimes ask him if he ever thought about finding another girl, and he'd always say yes. I knew he never would though. Sol was stubborn, probably the most stubborn person I've ever met on this planet. He had it set in his mind that this girl was the perfect girl for him. Best in the world, and he would not settle for anything less. I know he wouldn't have been truly happy if he had either. I always thought that some day he would meet her again. The moment it would happen he would turn to me and smile and not say anything. He wouldn't need to say anything. Then he would turn and leave with her and he'd finally be happy. I didn't just think this would happen, I KNEW it would happen. How could it not? How could a guy like Sol possibly deserve anything less? But of course sometimes things just don't go how they should despite all logical reasoning."

Don't leave spoons in blizzards when putting them in freezers

See that red thing? That's the spoon part of my spoon. I left the plastic spoon in my blizzard when i put it in the freezer for later eats. When i tried to take the spoon out, it shattered.

Snores.

I'm in Indiana, but the snores are keeping me from sleeping. I wonder if I should sleep in the bathroom. The tub is really big, but I can still hear the snoring from in here. It never stops. I think for about an hour I was dreaming about how to make the snores stop. I failed to figure it out before they woke me up again.

Dups Avery

Dups Avery was a dangerous man. That is to say, he was much more than just a tennis player. Although that is not to say that he was not good at tennis. He beat me on at least four different occasions. No, maybe it was three. I am sometimes forgetful on such matters. But Dups had a hidden past. So hidden indeed that he could not remember himself. He was afflicted with retrograde amnesia.

I always assumed that it must have been the result of some sort of athletic injury he suffered in his past. It just made since with how amazing he was at tennis with the little effort he put into it. His supposed first game ever he nearly put the ball through... (static)


Published: June 12, 2010

Aslan

I'm tired. I just woke up about an hour ago. It's a beautiful day today. I don't have class tomorrow which is nice. So many people are out on the lake. I didn't expect this many people seeing as how gas is $4 a gallon. I need a job.

I don't feel like leaving

Poker Songs

1. Never Gonna Give You Up - Rick Astley
2. You're the Best - Joe Esposito
3. Mortal Kombat Theme Song
4. Rocky Songs
5. Fighters - Lupe Fiasco


Published: June 12, 2010

Untitled: April 29, 2008

I've realized a lot of things during my first year of college. I still hate big parties, dancing, and large groups of people.


Published: June 12, 2010

If you can't be with the one you ...., .... the one you're with

Published: June 12, 2010

Well...

Haven't made a post in a while. Rather, I haven't posted a post in a while.

I don't really feel well today. That's nothing new, but it's different. My chest hurts. I'm dizzy and confused. I really just want to play Lego Star Wars.

Mountain Dew Game Fuel is disgusting. I'm ashamed it has the same name as Mountain Dew. What a disappointing purchase.

I really want to play Lego Star Wars.

MUMMMMMMRAAAAAAA

MORTAL KOMBAT

The Mortal Kombat song is stuck in my head. It's been stuck in my head since Friday morning. Friggen Fridays. My throat hurts.

MORTAL KOMBAT dun dun dun dun dun dun

I'm at home right now. I don't know if I want to go back.

Western Euramerica: Devonian. What?

Antler Orogeny
- Island arc accreted
- Klamath Mountains
- Sierra Nevada Mountains

I'm in Geology. GEOL1122. I hate this class. I'm sleepy.
This one guys head is dozing.

I can't concentrate


Published: June 12, 2010

Vault

I just really hurt my face trying to fit a Vault can in my mouth. I think I strained a muscle near my chin. That's the weirdest thing that's happened to me in a while. Now I have a headache.

Why was I trying to fit a Vault can in my mouth? Next question. Why was I drinking Vault to begin with? Next question. What am I doing up at 3:11? A better question would be when was the last time I wasn't awake at 3:11.

My phone turned out to be in a taco bell bag. Seems fitting.

This blog is stupid. Don't read it.




Stop that.

I just hit 3 4s. I'm listening to a song that has a kazoo in it. Kazoo. Kazoo.

I do not get my moneys worth out of textbooks.

March 14, 2008

I've been up for about an hour. I haven't left my bed.

Spring Break 2008 is almost over. I've had Taco Bell at least 4 times this week. I keep dreaming that I'm failing Math, Computer Science, and even regular Science.

Phones are annoying, but it's a pain when you lose yours. I wish someone would scratch my back.

Sabor Explosivo

I'm too thirsty to go to sleep. I just embarrassed myself not too long ago, but that's okay because I'm not upset. My hands are shaking, but that's nothing new. It sure is hot in here. Jacket off. My roommate likes to turn the air conditioner off when he goes to sleep now. That's pretty annoying, but he's not here right now so it's on. Just set it to cool too, so it'll be cool before too long. That's how it works here, in this room. Yup.

I say I'm going to sleep, but it's very likely that I will stay up and play video games for a while. Maybe I'll watch Star Wars afterwards. It sucks caring about someone that is stuck in the past. Or someone that is the past. Either way you lose. But not with Star Wars, because those movies never fail. My head doesn't hurt right now. I wonder why.

I can't take a shower. It's cheesin me off. I don't like flavor blasted Goldfish that are just cheese. I think they're gross. And they get crap on your fingers, which kind of goes against my love for Goldfish. I like to be able to do other things while I enjoy a nice handful of Goldfish, but if I get powder on my fingers than I might as well be eating Doritos. Mmm.

I've never smoked marijuana.

My friends came and "rescued" me from home after my mom "rescued" me from my dorm.

Shields up, I hope college isn't the end of me. Or at least Payne Hall.

Show Your Teeth

Well, it got me. The shower showed me who's boss.

It's February 29. It's Grandmama's birthday. I miss her.

I'm home, doing some laundry. My head hurts quite a bit. I can't believe they put staples in my head. They just stapled my head like it was nothing. It hurt and I'm sleepy.

http://www.angelfire.com/vt2/g_hols/Niceguy
I found this on October 16, 2007. It's a good example of pent up frustration.

Day 7027

I think next year will be a really good year. I'm looking forward to it. I'm so unproductive right now. I officially need to find a new future for myself.

I treat college the same as I treated high school. I don't study until the day I have a test. I don't do my homework. I get to class late. I don't learn much of anything.

I need a job. Nothing would make me happier than working at Chuck E. Cheese's. Actually, I can think of a lot of things that would make me happier, but I still would enjoy a job there. Buh, I'm tired. But not sleepy.

I'm ready for Spring Break. What do I have planned? Nothing. It's perfect.

I'm about to go to McDonalds at 1:46 in the morning. I'm not hungry. What a weird life. This is not how I imagined this year to be. I wonder how it would be if I was at UNC.

Recluse

Care is a better word than worry.

I'm not good at arguing or expressing what I'm feeling. I never get the right words out. I usually regret what I say, but it's too late.

I have so much to watch and read. Maybe I'll stay in for a while.

Fat Bottomed Girls

Here's the deal, listen up. I'm out of goldfish. I need to pick some more up pretty soon. If only I had a genie...If I had a genie I'd be richer than a king! God knows, I want to break free. This time I know it's for real.

Mama, is this the real life? Please? Sometimes I wonder. I keep wasting time, yet I don't mind. This writing (which is not in fact writing at all) serves 0-2 points of purpose. That's not very many points if you're confused. Of course, it's not the worst thing I could be doing right now.

Tonight I'm gonna have myself a real good time. I might even turn the world inside out. You know, just because. There's no stopping me. Although, I'm not sure I can face this life alone. It makes me worry. No hanging my head, because that's not the way. The way...

Turned away from it all like a blind man. Why? So much suffering, but so much happiness. Care for the people. That's all there is. Care, love, be kind. You won't win, ever, but that's not the point. The point is to affect other people. Perhaps one day you will get yours, but don't count on it. Why not do what you can to make someone else happy? You have time. You'll get frustrated with how much other people suck, but that's doesn't matter. Because you are all you are, and they are all you have.

God knows I want to break free.

Peace

I'm finally cleaning out all the old text messages that have been clogging up my phone for months now. I'm really sick of looking at them. Memories are great, but not when they only make you regret things. I've had a lot of great times with a lot of great people, but I'm having new great times now and don't feel like wasting time looking back. Things are fun while they last, but once they're over you really have to move on.

All done.

Piece

"No matter how strong you think you are, you can't stand against everything God throws at you. And that's a good thing, so don't be mad at him."

"Just be yourself."

"It'll be okay. Sooner or later, everything will be okay."

"Let's make it a year worth happily remembering, k?"

"Everything is different now. We are different now."

"Don't pick up my habits."

"Does everybody need somebody to love?"

"It's okay, you made me smile."

"How do you always know exactly what to say?"

"I might miss you a little bit."

"Just let go and forget about everything and about me."

That's The Way

It's funny how you try to get away from things, but generally it just makes them worse.

I'm kind of getting tired of my college life. I'm really beginning to consider taking a year off next year. I keep telling myself that's a bad idea, but it might be what I want to do. What I want. Agricultural Engineering, Computer Science, Education, Food Science... I don't know what is mine.

I can't make people happy.

Video games, TV shows, Books, Sandwiches. That's what I have to look forward to when I get home. I'll work out today. That's a temporary solution that's actually beneficial. I could've actually had fun last night, but I had pretty much already made the decision not to. Blah blah blah. Whine Whine Whine. Hey my dad just made some steak... Now if only I enjoyed steak as much as other people.

I can't win at poker anymore. That's when you know something is wrong with you. I don't even feel like playing. Money doesn't make me happy anyway.

There aren't any chairs on my dock anymore.

My dog is eating dead flowers and wood. She's silly.

This post doesn't deserve a title, so instead I'm going to type until they don't let me anymore. Which might actually be longer than I initially expe

Well, thank God that week is over. Sunday sucked, which is always a bad way to start the week. Monday was better, but only because I escaped to my house. Tuesday was actually a pretty great day. Wednesday...what happened on Wednesday? Oh yeah, I slept through all my classes. I need to stop doing that. Thursday was dedicated to studying for / taking a Geology test. That, and it was Valentine's day. Worthless day.

Valentine's day wouldn't bother me if it weren't for other people moping about. Cause you know, feeling sorry for yourself makes everything better. Everyone has their own problems and all that good stuff, but it does get old. Eventually you just have to get over it. I should take my own advice. I'm the same.

LOST was pretty good. I like that show. Best part of the day.

Anyway, Friday. Today. Woke up and studied for a religion test for 3 hours, and then I took the test. I need to put more effort into school. I need to get out of this dorm. I need to find something I actually enjoy. Price of sniffs.

This weekend will most likely suck, but whatever. The best thing I did this week was make the cleaning lady smile today. That actually makes it all worth it.

Fuego

Because this helps.

Night Flight

If something is supposed to happen, it will. I'm supposed to go home today and eat a tasty sandwich, who am I to defy the natural order of things? It can't be changed, it's already happening.

Bollocks

Update: I'm home now and it feels great. Sometimes you just have to get away. Today was that day. I was lucky that my brother happened to stay in Athens all weekend despite saying he was going home on Friday. He also was planning on going home right when I called to see if he was in town. Coincidence? Probably.

I didn't actually get to eat a tasty sandwich. Instead I had rice bean taco taco. I'm feeling the after affects right now.

I almost had another panic attack today. Yay for sucking at life. Life is a big part of day to day activity, so it's pretty sad that I suck at it. Oh well. I might change my major, or maybe I'll quit school. It's been suggested. It's time to reevaluate why I am at school in the first place.

Memories

I forget so much. I try to write to retain some of my experiences. Sometimes it hurts to look back. Maybe somethings should be left out.

I read the letter again today. I guess I forgot what it really said. It still aches to think about, but I've gotten much better. There are just so many "what ifs" that I can't help but thinking about.

What if I had never left Illinois. I'd be amazing at soccer. I would've had more luck with girls growing up. I wouldn't be as shy. Maybe everyone else would be happier.

I wouldn't missed a lot. Still, I find it hard to believe it wouldn't have been better.


Published: June 12, 2010

Reminisce

And everything changed.

Fate

I have a bad feeling, and I'm never wrong.

I've been denting my cans for as long as I can remember. It's how I know they're mine.


Published: June 12, 2010

mumble numble

Ah, another week at the University of Georgia. Good times.... great oldies, Fox 97.1. I have a cut on my hand and my nose that I'm not too pleased about. I'm so hungry too. I think I'll do homework today! I love my life. Seriousness. I wish I had a louder phone though. That's one thing that's really annoying, not being able to hear people. Especially my brother, and he says that I mumble. Mumble mumble. ...

I despise cigarettes. So much. I'm so hungry. This isn't going anywhere. I guess that's when you know you're happy. When you don't have anything to complain about. My mouth tastes like a really nasty vegetable. I guess I could've just said vegetable and made the same point. I wonder why God didn't make vegetables tastier. Good ole God, nothing beats that. My TV is so bloody small. Mumble mumble. ...

I don't remember my dream from last night. That's always sad. I just saw a girl walk up the stairs in the most pitiful fashion. She was cute though. And in the end, I guess that's what truly matters. I think it's time to go into seclusion for a while. Ha, I just realized that might be taken the wrong way. That string of thoughts there, that I just been writtening. Well, it's not that.

I wish my room would hurry up and clean itself. It's really beginning to get on my nerves. It smells like Chan de Maru. And you may ask yourself, what is the point of any of this? And then you realize that life is confusing, and it's best not to be thought about. And then you become comfortably numb.

Pawnbroker?

I've been up about 25 hours now. I'm kind of tired. I have a class in an hour, so napping is out of the question. I also haven't eaten since about 9:30 last night, so I'm a little hungry as well. I'll probably go to eat after class.

I should sleep. I want to sleep. I won't lie, I'm a little afraid to. I worry when I sleep. Well, not actually while I'm sleeping, but before and after. I don't know what's going on and I feel like I lose control of things. That's my problem. I'm too worried about letting things be as they are. Whatever, that doesn't even make sense

Peanut Butter.

I know things that are good for me, and I know things that aren't. Now to act upon this knowledge.

I had a good weekend. It was uneventful, but good. I finally got to go home.

I'm going to be an uncle. That's amazing.

Chuckle (verb): to laugh quietly or inwardly

Although, I'm definitely in the mood to continue my string of self-sorrow posts, I've decided against it. I've become too fond of looking back on a day as opposed to looking forward to the next.

Tomorrow: I'll probably wake up early and not come back for the rest of the day. I need to visit some old friends. It's necessary. I'm going to break this funk of a routine I'm in and actually get stuff done. Maybe I'll turn my phone off. That might make people think I'm mad at them :P. I just need to find myself. You should too.

I don't want to say something that would make someone think I'm talking about them. I try not to talk about individuals, but yes of course those that I'm around inspire what I'm feeling at any given time. Anyway, the point is this. I don't understand people. In general. And it frustrates and saddens me.


Aw crap...

3:01

I'm sad that I didn't get to go home, and now I'm throwing up again. I guess everything is as it always is. It sucks. I'm tired. Video games aren't as fun as they used to be. Poker is frustrating. I don't want to watch TV. I can't bring myself to do work. I'm going to go sleep a little of my life away.

I don't want to be here anymore

I'm tired. I'm shaking. I don't want to live here anymore. I don't want to be here anymore. My heart is beating so fast. It hurts. I'm sick of people. I think I'm finally coming out of my shell. I'm going to throw up again. I think I'll go home this weekend. I need that.

I need to calm down. I can't sleep when I'm like this.

I have a void inside me. I hate feeling like I'm one of those pathetic guys who sits around and mopes about how miserable he is, but that's exactly what I am. I'm lonely. I haven't even seen some of my closest friends this semester. It really kills me not being close to anyone. Sure I've got friends, but no one who I would consider calling a "best friend". Do those even exist anymore? Things just seem to keep getting progressively harder as I move through life. I don't think that I'm like most college students. I sometimes wish I was, but honestly I can't stand how many of them act. I'm finally realizing how much people bother me. As I say this, I still consider myself more tolerant than most people. They just get so mad over the dumbest things.

I really wonder if it's possible to meet someone that I can actually enjoy caring about. I think that's what love is. I care a lot about a lot of people, but it usually hurts. I think once you've found that caring for someone actually makes you happy then you've got what you need.

Of course, it could all be a bunch of bullshit. Maybe you're supposed to go out and just have fun. Do whatever you want, whoever you want, whenever you want. Live for the day, not the future. I don't believe that at all, especially since I've seen how much misery some people go through. Then again, maybe happiness was only meant for a select few. I don't know if I know anyone that is truly happy. Sure people are happy at certain instances in time, I think I'm generally a happy person when I'm around other people, but you can be sure that once I'm by myself things will start tearing at me again. It's hard to say that anyone in my family is really happy.

There really isn't a whole lot to do except to keep waiting for something to happen. Just keep doing whatever until it does.

I've broken so many promises in my life. I need to burn this. All it does is remind me of how much I suck. How much I miss how things used to be. How pathetic I actually am. Nothing good comes from this.

I still can't do it.

Again

I should be sleeping. Nights suck.

Original Flavor

It's 7 in the morning. I'm way too happy to stay mad. It seems pretty foolish in reality, doesn't accomplish a whole lot. I'm a little ashamed of my last post, although I don't believe in feeling bad about the past. I'll play a lot of poker today, maybe watch the 3rd season of The Wire. It's not snowing. I really feel like running today. For miles. I'm happy.