Chuckle (verb): to laugh quietly or inwardly

Although, I'm definitely in the mood to continue my string of self-sorrow posts, I've decided against it. I've become too fond of looking back on a day as opposed to looking forward to the next.

Tomorrow: I'll probably wake up early and not come back for the rest of the day. I need to visit some old friends. It's necessary. I'm going to break this funk of a routine I'm in and actually get stuff done. Maybe I'll turn my phone off. That might make people think I'm mad at them :P. I just need to find myself. You should too.

I don't want to say something that would make someone think I'm talking about them. I try not to talk about individuals, but yes of course those that I'm around inspire what I'm feeling at any given time. Anyway, the point is this. I don't understand people. In general. And it frustrates and saddens me.


Aw crap...

3:01

I'm sad that I didn't get to go home, and now I'm throwing up again. I guess everything is as it always is. It sucks. I'm tired. Video games aren't as fun as they used to be. Poker is frustrating. I don't want to watch TV. I can't bring myself to do work. I'm going to go sleep a little of my life away.

I don't want to be here anymore

I'm tired. I'm shaking. I don't want to live here anymore. I don't want to be here anymore. My heart is beating so fast. It hurts. I'm sick of people. I think I'm finally coming out of my shell. I'm going to throw up again. I think I'll go home this weekend. I need that.

I need to calm down. I can't sleep when I'm like this.

I have a void inside me. I hate feeling like I'm one of those pathetic guys who sits around and mopes about how miserable he is, but that's exactly what I am. I'm lonely. I haven't even seen some of my closest friends this semester. It really kills me not being close to anyone. Sure I've got friends, but no one who I would consider calling a "best friend". Do those even exist anymore? Things just seem to keep getting progressively harder as I move through life. I don't think that I'm like most college students. I sometimes wish I was, but honestly I can't stand how many of them act. I'm finally realizing how much people bother me. As I say this, I still consider myself more tolerant than most people. They just get so mad over the dumbest things.

I really wonder if it's possible to meet someone that I can actually enjoy caring about. I think that's what love is. I care a lot about a lot of people, but it usually hurts. I think once you've found that caring for someone actually makes you happy then you've got what you need.

Of course, it could all be a bunch of bullshit. Maybe you're supposed to go out and just have fun. Do whatever you want, whoever you want, whenever you want. Live for the day, not the future. I don't believe that at all, especially since I've seen how much misery some people go through. Then again, maybe happiness was only meant for a select few. I don't know if I know anyone that is truly happy. Sure people are happy at certain instances in time, I think I'm generally a happy person when I'm around other people, but you can be sure that once I'm by myself things will start tearing at me again. It's hard to say that anyone in my family is really happy.

There really isn't a whole lot to do except to keep waiting for something to happen. Just keep doing whatever until it does.

I've broken so many promises in my life. I need to burn this. All it does is remind me of how much I suck. How much I miss how things used to be. How pathetic I actually am. Nothing good comes from this.

I still can't do it.

Again

I should be sleeping. Nights suck.

Original Flavor

It's 7 in the morning. I'm way too happy to stay mad. It seems pretty foolish in reality, doesn't accomplish a whole lot. I'm a little ashamed of my last post, although I don't believe in feeling bad about the past. I'll play a lot of poker today, maybe watch the 3rd season of The Wire. It's not snowing. I really feel like running today. For miles. I'm happy.

19 Years Bottled Up

I'm sick of fucking feeling sorry for people. I wish I didn't care. I'm tired of my feelings turning out to be pointless. If they want to do what they want to do, fucking let them. Fucking everything I try to do turns out wrong. I'm sick of listening to problems. No matter how much I care, it doesn't fucking matter. I wish I could just isolate myself and learn. That way I could fucking do what I'm supposed to do without any distractions. My life is so fucking good, but everyone else has so many problems. I wish people I cared about felt the same way I do. It's really frustrating. There are so many beautiful people that have no idea what gifts they are. It fucking pisses me off. I'm sick of being the nice guy that sits back and feels like he missed his chance. I also hate fucking assholes that take advantage of whatever they can get. Or fucking assholes that are dicks to the girls they go with. I'm so mad. They suck. I wish people understood. My brother just quit school, what am I supposed to do but feel sorry for him? He's not in a state where I can be mad at him. My mom is upset because her kids aren't turning out like she wanted. What the fuck am I supposed to do? Be that perfect kid that she really wanted? I'm sorry. I am who I am. That's all there is to it. I wish everything was easy. I wish the ones I loved understood. You may think I'm talking about you, and you might be right. My life may be perfect, but there's a lot of shit I'm feeling right now. Loving is a lot harder than it should be.

I guess I'll go to sleep and try again tomorrow.

vacant

Hope's a good thing to have. Or at least I always assumed it was. I guess as long as it isn't a distraction it's ok. Also as long as it is within reason. Can't waste your time hoping for 2.5 million dollars to fall into your shoes. That probably won't happen. Hope leads to depression.

I keep having this daydream where wings bust out of my back and ruin whatever shirt im wearing. It's kind of weird. It usually happens when I'm looking at the lake.

Wishes are dumb too. They never work.

I feel like something has to happen eventually.

Never for Money, Always for Love

That will do.

Untitled: January 7, 2008

Published: June 12, 2010

The Year of the Goomba Shoe

I've never been one for making New Year's resolutions. I think they're lame and end up making me upset because I never keep them. Of course I have goals that I hope to accomplish and different things that I wish to implement into my life, but I don't think I need to make a list of them so that I can cross them off as I fail to uphold them. For example, I want to do well in school. Well duh, why wouldn't I want to do well in school? It's not like I go here not hoping to succeed. I want to do something with my life, even if I'm not sure what that is. I also have this distaste for disappointing people, which will hopefully propel me into working harder this year.

2007 was a very inconsistent year. If I were one fond of the expression "Roller Coaster Ride" then I might use it here. The good times were some of the best in my life and the bad times were some of the worst. So much changed in such a short period of time. In 2008, I wish to reduce the bad times while maintaining or increasing the good. Seems like I simple enough desire, and also one that I believe is not unobtainable. I've already kicked off the poker year quite nicely. I'm really looking forward to this. Best year yet...Ever!