Death comes unexpectedly

You know, it would be nice if it wasn't so difficult to fall asleep most of the time. Sure there are those times when you just collapse and you're out for days, but there are so many times when all I want to do is sleep. Maybe my body is just scared to go to sleep after what I woke up to this morning. Here was the dream:

I was sitting either in an underground hill beside a road or an above ground one, it is unclear but I really think it was both. Next to me was some companion, but I cannot say who. I remember that we were trying to figure out some sort of puzzle, but I have no memory of what it could have been. As we thought about it, a caravan of old style cadillacs drove by, each driver with a golden helmet and a silver "blast shield" (whatever the eye cover that comes down from helmets is called, like from star wars). One driver reaches over his car and makes a C with his hand in a motion similar to that of "solid" but not a full fist. Next, I was in a jeep with Tarver driving and someone else sitting in the back seat going down the highway. We were in a remote location that reminds me of a cityless part of Texas or Arizona, but there was a lot of traffic. As we're driving another car pulls in front of us with a machine gun mounted on the back. Tarver sighs and says, "I called this," as they begin to fling hundred of bullets our way. I see his body get riddled and his eyes close as we pull off the road in a last ditch attempt at escape. I remember being filled with more dread than I have ever felt in my life. I was terrified. I had absolutely no desire to die, despite it being almost inevitable. As I tumbled out of the jeep onto the ground in a bloody mess, Tarver clearly already dead, the other passenger status unknown I covered my neck and thought, "Save me! save me! save me!" over and over again. I guess it was a last ditch attempt at God or anything that would save my life. It was the worst feeling I have ever felt in my life. I didn't feel any pain, simply terror. I was dying. I remember being enveloped in red and waking up with a jerk of my head and tears in my eyes. I couldn't move for over a minute and just sat there, thinking back on my death. I don't want to die at all.

So the question is, what is it that I do want? If dying scares me so much, what is it that drives me to stay alive? A family. Probably. Someone to care for and love me in return. I find myself wondering whether I will just be one of those guys that never finds anyone and just wastes his days drowning in his own pile of money. One of those uncles that you're not really sure about. A lighthearted fellow at all the extended family gatherings that is not nearly as happy as he seems. I don't understand how you couldn't want it. Not having that desire just seems so void of everything I want in life as a whole. But I guess that's what makes everything so cool. I think my favorite thing about everything is how awesome it is. Everyone is so different. The game is and always will be surrounding yourself with people that you can stand and that can stand you right on back.