Beefcake

My heart hurts. I don't mean that in some lame poetic romance way, I mean that the pounding of my heart is literally making me nauseous. I hate nights, I hate thinking, I hate not having control over things I wish I had control of. i hate messing things up, doing things wrong, ruining opportunities.

There was an episode of 60 minutes on people that can remember every day of their life perfectly. As cool as that would be, I do not think I would be able to handle it. I remember most things very poorly, but almost every night I end up recalling bad times in my life as I try to fall asleep. If I had to face those memories like they were recorded perfectly in my mind day after day then I would go insane. It's bad enough as is with many of the pieces missing, I don't need to be able to see and feel everything again and again. 

Old worries, new worries, time alone, time with others, every day is just going to find a new way to stress me out. 

91 hours and 54 minutes until 2011. Best year ever yet, yahoo, eh. I think this will be a good one. I say that before every year. I think we should cut the year in half so that I can get excited twice as often about changing my life. That's why the new year is so cool, so much hope, a whole new opportunity for everything. Nothing that has happened so far exists anymore. It's all fiction, I could wake up tomorrow without any memories and it wouldn't make a difference. Stop worrying about shit that doesn't matter, you win, you lose, you move on. Just don't fuck it all up anymore.

List for the new year in no particular order:

1. Quit eating fast food

2. Acquire normal sleep pattern

3. Finish College

4. Get Job

5. Move

6. Beat Fallout 3

7. Meet Lil Baby No Name

8. Turn 23

9. Go to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter

10. Make a list of things to do in 2012

11. Buy a coat

12. Clean my room

13. Go to the dentist

14. Fix my stomach (goes with #1)

15. Watch Rocky IV

http://faculty.washington.edu/kepeter/119/images/human_heart.jpg

I am the Walrus

Finals are over. And everything immediately gets awesome again. I'm glad I only have to go through that one more time. I think I might finish on time. Hey, I think I might actually finish.

I saw Tron in IMAX 3D. It was cool. I'm back home for Christmas. My whole family is here or going to be here in the next day. I'm going to sleep for as long time tonight.

Last Minute Studying

3:16 PM - 14 minutes until my Psychology final. I'm going to kick this things ass. Bare kaknuckle.
3:18 PM - Someone said this test is going to be extra credit. I don't know if that's true. That'd be cool though.
3:22 PM - Chick sings final countdown.

Sud de la France

Who're you? Don't matter. Want some rye? Course ya do.

I've had this knot in my stomach for four days. I guess it's sticking around. It's what I like to call the uh... Cow Hitch.

I cut my toe nails today. Haven't done that in a while, they were pretty long.

I ran today. Haven't done that in a while, didn't get very far.

I threw up today. Haven't eaten in a while, didn't get much out.

Everybody's been talking at me lately. I've gone from, "the most on fire person he's ever seen" to "a goddamn hero. A good fucking guy" in a week. It's been a rough year 22. But as a wise man once probably said, "There's no way to grow that don't hurt." I haven't grown in seven years.

December 14, 2010

Mark's 22 day of birth. Or would it be 23? He's 22.

Tarver's 8000 day of life.

$2 Moe's day.

Half off Chick-fil-A.

Psychology Final.
World of Warcraft Arena Season 9 begins.

It's not all that bad.

At least the steak bites were good.

Three days in a row. At least I'm miserable enough to keep this up, and I don't think it will end soon either. I keep thinking about it, and I just get furious. I could've prevented all of this. Or at least the part that leaves that bad taste in my mouth. It was bound to suck, but man it could just suck so much less if I had done the right thing. I have to stop looking so far into the future so quickly. The picture I paint always gets me down when it gets destroyed. This was the by far the best picture I've created though. It could've really been something special.

"Don't lose hope." I can't believe he had the audacity to say that to me right before he took most of it away. I wish I could lose hope, it would make all this other shit I'm feeling disappear. Fall in a ditch you piece of shit.

Now I've been in this bed more in the past 2 days then the rest of the month put together. I've been fighting off this sickness for about 3 weeks, but clearly my body doesn't see any point anymore. It's going to suck for whoever has to sit next to me during that Finance final. That's gonna be a doozee. Whatever, if I have to take an extra semester so be it. Most of my plans fall through anyway. I wish I could just sleep the next 4 months away. They're not going to be any fun anymore.

Some Surprises

I'm handling this a bit better than I figured I would. I guess I expected it. I didn't think it would involve my least favorite human on the planet, but so it goes. I guess it means I wasn't as invested as I thought I was. Or maybe I just don't care as much about anything anymore. Oh well. I'm still sad. And very disappointed.

I really try so hard to understand other people. And I don't know anything at all. Nothing ever makes sense.  Left brain my ass, nothing you do is logical. Two weeks left, fuck it. I'm never going to say that again.

I just don't have anything to say. I know I'm going to wake up tomorrow and just start the waiting process over again. I'll probably pick up Warcraft again just so I can kill all the days. Warlocks are still cool, right?

I guess I can't regret it. How do you get excited? I had it figured out for a few weeks. Just another chapter in the book. I'll keep on dreaming.

No Surprises