I don't want to be here anymore

I'm tired. I'm shaking. I don't want to live here anymore. I don't want to be here anymore. My heart is beating so fast. It hurts. I'm sick of people. I think I'm finally coming out of my shell. I'm going to throw up again. I think I'll go home this weekend. I need that.

I need to calm down. I can't sleep when I'm like this.

I have a void inside me. I hate feeling like I'm one of those pathetic guys who sits around and mopes about how miserable he is, but that's exactly what I am. I'm lonely. I haven't even seen some of my closest friends this semester. It really kills me not being close to anyone. Sure I've got friends, but no one who I would consider calling a "best friend". Do those even exist anymore? Things just seem to keep getting progressively harder as I move through life. I don't think that I'm like most college students. I sometimes wish I was, but honestly I can't stand how many of them act. I'm finally realizing how much people bother me. As I say this, I still consider myself more tolerant than most people. They just get so mad over the dumbest things.

I really wonder if it's possible to meet someone that I can actually enjoy caring about. I think that's what love is. I care a lot about a lot of people, but it usually hurts. I think once you've found that caring for someone actually makes you happy then you've got what you need.

Of course, it could all be a bunch of bullshit. Maybe you're supposed to go out and just have fun. Do whatever you want, whoever you want, whenever you want. Live for the day, not the future. I don't believe that at all, especially since I've seen how much misery some people go through. Then again, maybe happiness was only meant for a select few. I don't know if I know anyone that is truly happy. Sure people are happy at certain instances in time, I think I'm generally a happy person when I'm around other people, but you can be sure that once I'm by myself things will start tearing at me again. It's hard to say that anyone in my family is really happy.

There really isn't a whole lot to do except to keep waiting for something to happen. Just keep doing whatever until it does.

I've broken so many promises in my life. I need to burn this. All it does is remind me of how much I suck. How much I miss how things used to be. How pathetic I actually am. Nothing good comes from this.

I still can't do it.