Flash in the Pan

I don't know if I'm happy with this anymore. I just got back from a party. A party which should have been a lot of fun. All of my close friends were there, and I had been excited about it for weeks. As it turns out, I did not really enjoy it. Sure I enjoy seeing and talking to everybody, but the truth is I don't like the pattern that we have established for ourselves. I'm tired of spending fortunes on alcohol that doesn't taste good and makes me feel like shit. I've lost the enjoyment of sloshing around from person to person, saying random things to kill time or just trying to get someone to smile. I don't like seeing attractive girls make fools of themselves or realizing that it's near impossible for me to actually meet someone that I will be legitimately interested in in this kind of environment. The problem is, I don't know what else to do. This is what we do now. This is our social interaction, and I don't see it changing for the next three years.

But really, this isn't about girls or my love-longing lifestyle. I just don't think I like the life I live. I loved life my senior year of high school, but unfortunate circumstances ruined my way of thinking right before college started. Now I'm beginning to realize how much I hate what I am again. Will I change? Probably not. I don't think I can. I'll head home tomorrow and take the rest of the weekend off away from everybody, but chances are in a few weeks I'll be right back where I am now. Hoping for things to be different, even though they never will be.