Xibalba

"Please, leave me alone. I don't know how it ends."

I graduated from college on May 13. It has been over a month since I took my last final. It's not any better. The nights are the worst. Mornings suck too.

Remember when dreams were cool and exciting? Now they just taunt me with things I don't have. Every day I wake up and realize that, of course, it wasn't real. How could you not see it? Where have you been?

So it turns out I'm not an interesting individual. I'm a boring, unexciting old man who's going to be stuck in his house for the rest of his life. I'm sorry, I don't have enough money to see the world. One day I will. And one day I will.

The search for a job is about as fun as you would expect. I'm considering going to graduate school and taking night classes and working during the day. Then I'd be a real pinocchio.

"I can only count on myself." That's actually how I've lived my entire life. It's not the way to go. Good luck.

In my life I have only met one person who thought the same way I did, and that's not even really the case anymore. So whenever someone tells me that we think the same way, I immediately think they're wrong. And individuals usually do not think they're wrong when they believe something, implying that the two of us are already thinking differently. Do you get what I'm saying? I was told more than once in high school that I was unlike anybody else people had ever met. This was not always a good thing, but it was a "thing" nonetheless. Now, maybe I've lost some of my true self in the shit pipe that was the college experience, but honestly I haven't changed that much. I thought I had for a while, but it's not true. Four years later, I'm still the same overly romanticized individual that hides almost everything he's really thinking.

Maybe that's why I like writing here despite hating blogs in general. I don't want anyone to read it, I don't write for anyone but myself. It helps me see the things that never find their way into conversations. Which is a problem with how we are. Text messages, facebook, skype. It's next to impossible to create a situation where I can talk real shit with someone face to face.

There's a dog at my house now named Penny. I think she is here to show me what I really am, both the positives and negatives. I love her and think she is great when she's comfortable, but she is also the most skiddish creature I've ever met. Any wrong movement makes her nervous. Any deviation from her set plan creates an unearthly fiasco. I'm not much different. I have a set way for how I think things should be. And it works for a while, but it's not right. I don't know why I stopped everything for the past five months. It was if I knew time was limited and had to trap it. In response I was nervous, I blanked, time sped up, I missed it. Oops. Better luck next time. Fucker.