The End of an Era: All Sauce Must Pass

Three Dreams

The other two were not necessarily "sad" as I said, but rather were just difficult to wake up to, similar to the "taunting" dreams I talked about here. In actuality they were both extremely pleasant dreams. In the first one I faced a girl that I once dated, and the dream was just a rehash of the good times. Smiles and walks, one kiss. None of the sadness or disruption that followed or preceded our time together. It was simple, shocking at first, then I just accepted it, and was happy. Because it is something I still want, and why not?

The second [or third really as it was the one that got me out of bed] was more intricate and puzzling. It involved a girl that I was very close to 6 years ago. My best friend, really. My first "love" I guess, although we were never "together." She's been popping up every once in a while in my dreams for what seems like forever, but the frequency in which it happens has decreased remarkably since my freshman year of college. Anyway, I was in the same room with the guy she dated back in high school. I don't know if we were there as friends or simply potential coworkers, but I realized I was in the process of applying for a job at the business that he worked at. We talked, we used to be friends after all. I don't remember any of the details, but it dawned on me that I would probably see the girl in the future, too. Eventually she made her appearance, and I acknowledged her, but refused to look at her. We had a robotic conversation, similar to the fake scripts you spout to old acquaintances that you run into downtown during a night of drinking. "How ya been? What are you studying? Where are you working?" the usual. Eventually something about her seemed to suggest that she was glad to see me. I finally looked up at her face and when we made eye contact, I just smiled. We both smiled. It was as if seeing her was the best thing that had happened to me since the last time I had seen her. It wasn't romantic or longing, it was just friendship. I didn't care that she had a boyfriend or that we would never be together, it was just seeing the face of someone who had meant so much to me and had been gone for so long. I ran up to her and gave her the biggest, most sincere hug I've ever given anyone. It actually reminded me of the hug I had given her after we both graduated and I told her how much I would miss her. And that's the last thing I remember.

It's funny how a dream can completely control your mind at the beginning of the day. I spent the first few hours thinking back on how I felt and still feel about this girl from high school. How different she is [or was, I guess] from everyone I've met in college. How in reality, my new "loves" have been nothing like her. It was oddly comforting. I know if I had stayed awake after my first dream then I would have spent the day depressingly thinking about that one girl from college that is no longer in my life. Either regretting everything entirely or thinking about what I could have done better. Not saying I was completely happy thinking about my old friend, it just gave me a different perspective from what I had thought about in a while. Which can be necessary to show just how foolish some of our sadness, thoughts, and other feelings actually are.

craven

I went to sleep at 12:30 AM, hoping to get back on a normal sleep schedule. I woke at 4:15 AM after having a dream that I was in a high speed car chase with my brother driving. He got shot a few times while I hid in the back seat. I wonder why I was back there. My seat belt wasn't on when the cops first started coming.










1. Signs from our Dreams. If you woke up from a dream, think about it for a moment. What was going on in the dream? What do you think each part represents? Is there something you are afraid of, worried about, or a problem you need to solve?

Nothing is cool about pythons

"Yup. Of course she's still going to die some day. We're all going to die." - Brian Krakow

We've got some time, it's a long life. All I really do is sit around and think. It's really no way to live. But I can't leave my bed because the world is too cold.

How awful sometimes sounds like hot waffle.

"Hey, Allyboo. Ya'll win?"

"No, we got crushed."

I think I ran over an opossum last night. If he had just played opossum I would've avoided him.

The first person I saw that I recognized when I went back to Athens was Walking Guy. The first clue that nothing had changed. He's just this guy that you see walking all the time. Homeless or something. I guess he's not walking all the time because I used to see him in the library every day. I would go to the third floor of the library on my hour break between my two economics classes during my sophomore year and see him reading a book or a newspaper, maybe doing the crossword puzzle. He was there every day at the same time. He would also wash his hair in the bathroom sink. I'd sometimes sit at a table a few tables down from him and try to figure out what in his life brought him to this.

Hotdog to the Knee

I hated every English class I ever took. I did not take a single one in the four years that I was at the University of Georgia.

It doesn't seem like there's much out there for a 23 year old. I figure at some point I will be married, with a family, waking up at 6:00 to go to some job that I'll probably hate. Until then I will stay up until the early hours of the morning watching old TV shows on Netflix. Actually, that's what I want. The first thing. The family thing. Although I don't see how I will get there from where I am. Watching old TV shows, drinking PBR, waiting to end up back in Georgia. It's not bad, it's just not anything.

I've been in Chicago for almost exactly 2 months now. During that time I have applied for a few more jobs, failed at a few more interviews, and taken a few more showers. I hate it here.

But why does Georgia look so appealing? When I really think about what I'm missing and the people there, my chest aches, and not in a good way. I worry about what they're doing and how it will hurt when I arrive. It's like when you know the answer to a question before you ask it, but hearing it from someone else is still gut-wrenching. It causes my body actual pain. I think about what I want. The people I care about. And truthfully how little people care in return. Or maybe they just have things to do. Obligations, responsibilities, true reasons for not opening their eyes. I'm not without fault myself, I know I've crushed some happiness. Maybe the stress faced on a daily basis is just too much. Maybe the pain of suppressed memories is too great. I just feel like there are a lot of people out there that don't consider anything. They aren't any happier, but just make fucked up decisions and keep rolling along.

I'm not fond of 23. I've been told I can be anywhere, but really there's nowhere to be. I feel like instead of offering opportunities to fail at, there just are no longer opportunities. I was hoping for a little more this year. I can keep working on puzzles, and watching Angels in the Outfield, but it's not fulfilling. When you have it, don't lose it. I don't know anyone that has it.

Eastern European Time

I just burned my hand on some tomato soup. We're almost completely out of food now. Today I ate a sandwich. That's it {And some tomato soup}. Also "Today" is used loosely since I woke up during the Giants/49ers game and now it's 6:38 in a morning. People mix up "lose" and "loose" surprisingly often on the Internet. The last few days have been spent mainly in Skyrim; we'll see how long that lasts.

Pandora stopped working a few minutes ago. The Internet connection in this apartment is below basement wizard standards, and it's a little frustrating. Also, the lack of doors, or real walls even, in this apartment is bizarre. Maybe I should put a picture of what I'm talking about up instead of me eating my hand. Before Pandora stopped it played four songs in a row that were introduced to me by four important friends I met in college. Actually I guess I knew one of them before college, the song came during, but whatever, the point is it kept reminding me of people. I miss those people. The hours here are long.

Sounds like my brother is waking up. And then he farts. Silence. It's almost 7:00.

I read some horoscope for me today. Apparently I'm supposed to think about taking a vacation.

How's Annie?

"Why couldn't she just like boats? Just to have one thing in common."

I need a clean place. Reasonably priced.

The Best Nightmare

____You could turn this way,

I'm also lonely

____this autumn evening

- Bashō

Although it's not quite autumn anymore, you wouldn't have believed it was winter in Chicago until today. I've been able to wear the exact same clothes I wore back in Georgia every day since I arrived last Sunday. The fact that today was the first day I actually left the apartment has little to do with it. 

I fell asleep early tonight, maybe midnight or 11:00 or so. I'm never really sure what time it is here since I didn't change the clocks on most of my devices, but I guess it doesn't really matter. I had one of those dreams that makes you excited again. At least at first.

You're with your friends, same as it ever was. That person you want to be with is there, and you manage to get some good time in with her. Everything is going smoothly, but nothing too apart from reality. She's happy, you're happy, it's how it always was supposed to be. You ask her if she wants to dance. But you can't dance, who are you fooling? And you do it, and it's fun, and you're happy. And everything is working out, more perfect than you could ever imagine. 

Then the next minute you're driving, alone, back to your college town at 1:30 in the morning with a smile that stretches from ear to ear. You only have about 30 minutes left to go when it turns cold. You realize this, and start to worry. You turn around, and in the darkness you see what looks like a face. You freeze up. You reach out a fist to see if it's real. The lights turn on. The body in the back seat, malnourished and eyeless, begins to panic. You think you should stop the car, but you don't know how. The body, with it's boney arms gropes for the handle, pushes the door open, and jumps out of the moving vehicle. You don't know why your body isn't waking up, this can't be real, you hope it's not real. You look back on the road, shocked you haven't hit anything yet. A tree is right in your path, but you manage to turn enough only to smash some of the back side. Great, Mom's going to tear you a new one for this. 

You pull back on the road, still only wanting to continue your trip to see the girl. You reach to call her, but it's 1:30 in the morning. You look at your phone and realize it's only 8:00 central time, that's not that bad. It clicks, it's a dream. Sad that you now know that none of what happened with her is real (again like so many dreams before), but happy that you can now call her and talk to her with no repercussions. You punch in her number, and look up. A cop is pulling you over. Panic, it's a dream, afraid to be arrested, force yourself to wake up. 

It's weird that I can watch another human jump out of my car, most likely to his death, right before I slam into a tree and then still feel bad that none of it's real because that would mean that I didn't actually make out with some girl a little bit earlier.

It's hard to really grasp everything about a dream. And feelings too I guess. I've used them as an excuse to act upon my gut instinct, and I've also ignored that gut, too. In both cases I usually end up making the wrong move. Still, you feel something should be some way, and maybe it is if you act correctly upon it you can make it true. But if you trip on the way, well, there's no reset button. 

The moment I started packing all I could think about was other scenarios and situations that no longer could be possible by changing my location. Things that never were and most likely never would be that I've now missed by turning to page 47 instead of 138. I guess I really just have too much free time here and no way to cut my head off. Ha. 

____Another year gone—

hat in my hand,

____sandals on my feet