Beefcake

My heart hurts. I don't mean that in some lame poetic romance way, I mean that the pounding of my heart is literally making me nauseous. I hate nights, I hate thinking, I hate not having control over things I wish I had control of. i hate messing things up, doing things wrong, ruining opportunities.

There was an episode of 60 minutes on people that can remember every day of their life perfectly. As cool as that would be, I do not think I would be able to handle it. I remember most things very poorly, but almost every night I end up recalling bad times in my life as I try to fall asleep. If I had to face those memories like they were recorded perfectly in my mind day after day then I would go insane. It's bad enough as is with many of the pieces missing, I don't need to be able to see and feel everything again and again. 

Old worries, new worries, time alone, time with others, every day is just going to find a new way to stress me out. 

91 hours and 54 minutes until 2011. Best year ever yet, yahoo, eh. I think this will be a good one. I say that before every year. I think we should cut the year in half so that I can get excited twice as often about changing my life. That's why the new year is so cool, so much hope, a whole new opportunity for everything. Nothing that has happened so far exists anymore. It's all fiction, I could wake up tomorrow without any memories and it wouldn't make a difference. Stop worrying about shit that doesn't matter, you win, you lose, you move on. Just don't fuck it all up anymore.

List for the new year in no particular order:

1. Quit eating fast food

2. Acquire normal sleep pattern

3. Finish College

4. Get Job

5. Move

6. Beat Fallout 3

7. Meet Lil Baby No Name

8. Turn 23

9. Go to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter

10. Make a list of things to do in 2012

11. Buy a coat

12. Clean my room

13. Go to the dentist

14. Fix my stomach (goes with #1)

15. Watch Rocky IV

http://faculty.washington.edu/kepeter/119/images/human_heart.jpg

I am the Walrus

Finals are over. And everything immediately gets awesome again. I'm glad I only have to go through that one more time. I think I might finish on time. Hey, I think I might actually finish.

I saw Tron in IMAX 3D. It was cool. I'm back home for Christmas. My whole family is here or going to be here in the next day. I'm going to sleep for as long time tonight.

Last Minute Studying

3:16 PM - 14 minutes until my Psychology final. I'm going to kick this things ass. Bare kaknuckle.
3:18 PM - Someone said this test is going to be extra credit. I don't know if that's true. That'd be cool though.
3:22 PM - Chick sings final countdown.

Sud de la France

Who're you? Don't matter. Want some rye? Course ya do.

I've had this knot in my stomach for four days. I guess it's sticking around. It's what I like to call the uh... Cow Hitch.

I cut my toe nails today. Haven't done that in a while, they were pretty long.

I ran today. Haven't done that in a while, didn't get very far.

I threw up today. Haven't eaten in a while, didn't get much out.

Everybody's been talking at me lately. I've gone from, "the most on fire person he's ever seen" to "a goddamn hero. A good fucking guy" in a week. It's been a rough year 22. But as a wise man once probably said, "There's no way to grow that don't hurt." I haven't grown in seven years.

December 14, 2010

Mark's 22 day of birth. Or would it be 23? He's 22.

Tarver's 8000 day of life.

$2 Moe's day.

Half off Chick-fil-A.

Psychology Final.
World of Warcraft Arena Season 9 begins.

It's not all that bad.

At least the steak bites were good.

Three days in a row. At least I'm miserable enough to keep this up, and I don't think it will end soon either. I keep thinking about it, and I just get furious. I could've prevented all of this. Or at least the part that leaves that bad taste in my mouth. It was bound to suck, but man it could just suck so much less if I had done the right thing. I have to stop looking so far into the future so quickly. The picture I paint always gets me down when it gets destroyed. This was the by far the best picture I've created though. It could've really been something special.

"Don't lose hope." I can't believe he had the audacity to say that to me right before he took most of it away. I wish I could lose hope, it would make all this other shit I'm feeling disappear. Fall in a ditch you piece of shit.

Now I've been in this bed more in the past 2 days then the rest of the month put together. I've been fighting off this sickness for about 3 weeks, but clearly my body doesn't see any point anymore. It's going to suck for whoever has to sit next to me during that Finance final. That's gonna be a doozee. Whatever, if I have to take an extra semester so be it. Most of my plans fall through anyway. I wish I could just sleep the next 4 months away. They're not going to be any fun anymore.

Some Surprises

I'm handling this a bit better than I figured I would. I guess I expected it. I didn't think it would involve my least favorite human on the planet, but so it goes. I guess it means I wasn't as invested as I thought I was. Or maybe I just don't care as much about anything anymore. Oh well. I'm still sad. And very disappointed.

I really try so hard to understand other people. And I don't know anything at all. Nothing ever makes sense.  Left brain my ass, nothing you do is logical. Two weeks left, fuck it. I'm never going to say that again.

I just don't have anything to say. I know I'm going to wake up tomorrow and just start the waiting process over again. I'll probably pick up Warcraft again just so I can kill all the days. Warlocks are still cool, right?

I guess I can't regret it. How do you get excited? I had it figured out for a few weeks. Just another chapter in the book. I'll keep on dreaming.

No Surprises

Gobtacular

Back home. Thanksgiving, again. This is the fourth Thanksgiving I've had since starting college. I'm thankful that college is almost over. My dad just asked me when I start interviewing for jobs, and I tried to play it cool like I had any idea about how I'm actually going to end up employed within the next year. I need to figure that out. That's assuming I don't fail and end up staying on for an extra semester. I usually joke about that, but I'm not sure I'm joking this time. I'm probably joking. But I could be joking. Stay with me here.

Not a whole lot has changed in this house in the past 4 years. My room is still my room. I think my bed might be different, but its still large and comfy. I should say "the bed I get to sleep in" and not "my bed" because I wasn't allowed to take it with me when I moved out. The first thing I get once I get mad money will be a big ole bed. That's not true. My mom changed the study into a baby play room in preparation for all the babies that will exist. It'll be cool to see my 2 year old niece during Christmas. I'll challenge her to arm wrestling. Oh cool news, my brother's baby is going to be a boy. I'm going to name him Krum.

In Thanksgiving related news, the McRib is back. Turkey is still good. And I don't want any of that cranberry nonsense. Bring on the next holiday.

I'm about to turn 22. Or 1 in grown-ass years. I said something very childish today that made me think that I'm not actually growing up but now I can't remember, which is fine evidence that I'm getting older. Not that 22 is old. It's just the point where everything gets weird forever. I'm not saying it's downhill from here because I don't really believe in hills. It's more like in Super Mario Galaxy when you try to long jump off a tiny round planet, but gravity kicks in and you just kind of orbit around a few times before landing at the same point you jumped. Stay with me here.

Truthfully though, despite sucking at school, sucking at Starcraft II, and sucking at not coughing, I'm pretty thankful of where I am right now. And that's.... well, that's just all right.

Tokyo Megaplex

I don't know man. It's easy to sit here and sleep through class. And watch Tango and Cash and think about where I'm going. My brother's going to have a kid. Could be a dude, could be a chick. I want babies. 2 is too few. 4 is too many. 3? Whaterver. I want a son. More than anything. I used to say I wanted to be married more than anything. But I want a little boy to take care of and live through vicariously. No time soon. Not soon enough.

Get mad. That's the advice I have now. Whoa whoa whoa, pizza. Food distractions. I need to run more.

It's bed time. Maybe I'll make it tomorrow.

Duck, duck

Age	Year	Fall
(-1)	1988	[Illinois]: Born
(0)	1989	Illinois? Georgia? Who knows.
(1)	1990	Same as above
(2)	1991	[Georgia]: Preschool
(3)	1992	[Illinois]: Preschool
(4)	1993	[Illinois]: Preschool
(5)	1994	[Illinois]: Kindergarten
(6)	1995	[Illinois]: 1st grade
(7)	1996	[Texas]: 2nd grade
(8)	1997	[Illinois]: 3rd grade
(9)	1998	[Georgia]: 4th grade (school 1)
(10)	1999	[Georgia]: 5th grade (school 2)
(11)	2000	[Georgia]: 6th grade (school 3)
(12)	2001	[Georgia]: 7th grade (school 3)
(13)	2002	[Georgia]: 8th grade (school 3)
(14)	2003	[Georgia]: 9th grade (school 3)
(15)	2004	[Georgia]: 10th grade (school 4)
(16)	2005	[Georgia]: 11th grade (school 4)
(17)	2006	[Georgia]: 12th grade (school 4)
(18)	2007	[Georgia]: College year 1
(19)	2008	[Georgia]: College year 2
(20)	2009	[Georgia]: College year 3
(21)	2010	[Georgia]: College year 4
(22)	2011	[Anywhere]: Reality year 1

Hester

 AP Photo/Charles Rex Arbogast (link)

Chicago Bears: 3-0

Tonight's game against the Packers was very exciting. The Bears might not have been the greatest, but at least they didn't give up 152 yards worth of penalties. Heh, Packers suck. Not really, they're pretty good. I hate em. And the Yankees, and the Red Wings, and the Lakers. They're all pretty good. Sports: it gives me something to get excited about. 

No time for that for the next few days. I've reached the point in the semester where I realize that the amount of work I've been doing (or not been doing) is not enough, and as usual I've created a structured schedule for myself. These things never hold together, but maybe this one will hold together. Time seems so much more available when it is listed on paper. I just need to stop wasting it.

Wake Up: 7:30 AM
Go To Sleep: 11:30 PM

Hours of sleep: 8
Hours on campus (including transit): 7-9
Hours Free: 7-9

It really shouldn't be as difficult as it will be. I should not be awake right now. Tomorrow I won't be.

Goodnight everybody.

peppajack

Georgia Dawwwwggggs lost. Borderlands had a terrible ending.

I'm out of it. It's getting later and later and I slept on a lawn for a little bit. My face is burne-ded. There's nothing to say. Terrified of the future. Oh yeah? You and everyone else.

I notice problems in others. And it drives me crazy. What can you do? Drink a 4lokokokoko. Thanks Michael. Catch a blue voltorb. I wish I catch a blue voltorb.

Work work work. The worst thing about everything is that once it happens it's happened forever. How can you know if you ever did anything right? Or really wrong? Give me a score. Alex "3/10" Johnson. I hate bloggers.

Wake up Jimmy, It's shootin people time.

My roommates sleep a lot. I sleep a lot. We all scream for ice cream. I don't really have much to do today. I played a lot of poker, played some Borderlands, and ate some cheez-it. I recently signed up for the Blockbuster online delivery rental service and you can rent video games which is cool. I don't ever finish games that I buy anymore, but this encourages me to hurry up and beat them so I can get a new one. It's actually pretty neat. I'll probably cancel once they make me pay. Bankrupt.

And fly toward the sun

College Living 4.0

One week done. Several more to go. I'm not sure how successful I'll be at fighting my way through this one.

I don't know if you've ever seen that episode of Hey Arnold with the Pigeon Man, but you should. What the heck I'll put it right here.

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"Lonely for what? For people? No."

If only. In 6th grade my teacher asked my class what were the things that were necessary to succeed in school. Most of the students in my class responded with "friends." I disputed this fervently, saying that you are more likely to succeed without anyone holding you back. This would be true if you could manage to live your life without these "others."

"This is awful. Who did this?"

"People, Arnold."

I've taken a few psychology classes in hopes of understanding the minds of others. I can understand how their circumstances affect their mindset and cause them to perform the actions that they do, whether good or bad. This is textbook, it's just how it is. What doesn't make sense is how they can be so blind to how their actions affect other people. Others that have millions of thoughts, emotions, and beliefs of their own. As it turns out, everyone else is real too. This isn't just your story. It's an odd thing to wrap your head around (at least my head, I can't really speak for anyone else), but almost every movement you make affects others in some way or another. Think about that the next time. You do anything.

I know I'm not saying anything new. There's nothing substantial or scintillating here. It's just what I'm thinking at 4:43 AM on a Friday night/Saturday morning. Both my roommates are asleep. Or in their rooms with their lights off. Doesn't really make a difference to me, but it probably does to them. 

Remember Arnold, always wash your berries before you eat them.

Intermission

I get up in the evening. And I ain't got nothing to say. I come home in the morning. I go to bed feeling the same way. I ain't nothing but tired. Man I'm just tired and bored with myself.

I don't really like when people quote songs. I wasn't going to but I started typing when Bruce started playing, and he kept saying things that were true. He knows what it's all about. And there isn't enough of that.

I've started drinking sweet tea since coming home. My brother and dad have been spending a lot of time together, which is awesome. And I drink tea. And I think about things.

Yakety Yak.

Now it's the morning. It's always interesting reading what I wrote the night before after I've slept. It's not that I was so messed up that I don't remember what I said, it's more just being able to come at it from a different perspective. The things about last night that were crawling under my skin at the time I wrote that post aren't as prominent now in my current thoughts. It all still bothers me if I think about it, but this headache is making it easy not to think about it.

Truthfully, I just complain too much. You know that old man that doesn't accept anything because it's young and foolish? That's me. And that's young and foolish. Instead of actually doing anything to remedy my situation, I'm more content just complaining about everything while I go along. Usually the situation resolves itself if you give it time. I consider graduation to be the time when most of my situations will resolve themselves, and even though I'm terrified of the uncertainty that many, many graduates face I am becoming more thrilled with the idea of just being done with college. 

It was so strange at first, getting thrown into a dorm full of absolutely awful humans. People just like me. "Well I'm just going to stay in my room and do my homework." This lasted about two weeks. "Well, maybe I'll do my calculus homework in the lobby and that pretty girl will talk to me." This is how I made my friends. "Well, maybe I'll spend some time with these people, even though I have nothing in common with them." Heh!

Now it's just a tumblepot of rehashed adventure. Three years gone, just like that. I'm getting old and growned. My mustache is rubbable. My elbow hurts from nothing. I looked through glasses and my vision improved. 

One year

Here I am, hanging out with a cat that I do not own. His name is Watson. He is a good cat. At least to me. The last few nights, four nights I suppose, he has slept with or near me. I love this.

If there is one thing I've learned, it is that it is desirable to fall asleep and wake up next to a living creature. One of my best friends would often say that the most difficult part of breaking up with someone is no longer having a person next to you when you wake up. I can see this. I know that for myself companionship is vital to happiness. Marriage is tough, but I can't imagine being happier.

Meanwhile, look at college. Go to bars. Get drinks. Get too many drinks. And hey, you could probably fuck a girl or two if you wanted. Please forgive my language, but that is the formality of it. No one is real and nothing matters. This does not interest me. Where are real people? Real conversations? I could not hold a six hour conversation with 90% of the girls at this bar. And therefore they are worthless to me. You may be hot, but honestly you're a fucking waste of time.

And yet the people I love, the people I care about continue on in this fashion of life. And that is why I need to get away again. To start over, fresh without any attachments. I will be done with college in a year. I will get a job and move out of this god-forsaken town. 

One year

Drive

I step into my car to drive from my apartment to my house. 46.7 Miles.

I do not have enough gas to make the trip so I stop by the closest gas station, which is charging $2.539 per gallon. I pay $32.77 to the BP corporation to fill up my tank, despite the recent oil spill.

When I get back on the road, I look at the Distance To Empty reading on the dash. It says 127 Miles. This is wrong by approximately 300 miles.

I listen to Breakfast of Champions as I drive and zone in and out of the story. Audiobooks.

As I pass through the town of Bishop I think about going straight onto Madison instead of taking the turn that would lead me home. I've rarely gone back there in the 3 years since high school. Today I will.

This adds 11.4 miles to my trip. 58.1.

On the drive I notice a police officer driving behind me at the exact same spot that I received a speeding ticket on my 18th birthday. I was driving 82 miles per hour that night. I am driving 51 miles per hour right now. The speed limit is 55. I do not get pulled over.

After the police car passes me and speeds up to the 70 miles per hour that the rest of the traffic travels, I notice a sign on the side of the road that reads, "$1200 Fine, Throwing Trash on Highway." $1200 would pay for 1/3 of a semester at the University of Georgia. 24 Wendy's cups would pay for a college education.

I pull into the town of Madison and get to the traffic light outside my school. I can turn right and drive by the place that I graduated or through the neighborhood that some of my friends live in. I can look at the little yellow house that I wanted to buy 4 years ago and keep for the rest of my life. There is a perfect, fenced in, backyard where my dog can stay. But he can come inside too, if he wants. It's a short trip to the local school, so my children would never have to make the commute that I did to get to their classes. I would go to every one of their soccer games. The light turns green and I drive straight.

I decide that I don't want to go downtown. I don't really want to be in this town at all. I'll go to Wal-Mart. Maybe I'll see someone I actually wouldn't mind seeing. I have mixed feelings. I park in the spot facing the security camera. Old habits.

I'm in Wal-Mart and instantly regret it. I feel awkward and out of place. I don't see anyone I know from school, but everyone looks exactly like they did 4 years ago. Nothing changes in Wal-Mart. I circle the outer perimeter of the store. I go through the electronics and toward the pet supplies. I cut through the board games and head for the door. It is the same path I always took in high school when wasting time in this store. I avoid looking at anyone in particular, but I try to give off an air of confidence just in case anyone recognizes me. Maybe they'll think, "Hey, that guy might suck less now."

I think of stopping by Chick-Fil-A on my way out of town. I've been spending too much money lately. The gas station next to the interstate has a price of $2.439. I could have saved $1.30. $1.30 cannot buy much.

I pass the spot that used to be a Taco Bell as I turn onto the interstate. It is still not a Taco Bell.

Take this road for 15.6 miles. I have satisfied my desire to go to Madison for now. I would not be surprised if I never go back. I would not be surprised if I ended up in Illinois after this year and live there for the rest of my life. I keep telling myself I'll live and work in Atlanta. I'm afraid to leave this comfort zone. There are people here that I'm all right with. There is a tiny spider on my steering wheel. I wonder if it glows in the dark. I swerve as I move my hand to end its existence and almost hit an 18 wheeler. I could die. I don't. My family lives in Illinois. Maybe I should.

I sneeze and the cd stops. That's weird. Then I hear: "Chapter 15."

Exit 130. Gas $2.69. 8 seconds further there is a sign for gas at the Home Depot for $2.53. Anyone getting off the interstate would not see this, nor have any reason to believe there is another gas station for miles. They would pay $2.69.

Vonnegut begins to describe in detail the penis sizes of several characters within the book. I become curious about my own penis dimensions.

I see a frog jump near the front of my car. It takes another jump closer, and another jump in front. I am not sure whether it jumped under my tire or past it. It could be dead. This is the fourth time a frog has done this in my lifetime. That seems like too many times. It happened three times during my senior year of high school while I was traveling to or from that same friend's house. It would have been nice to see her at Wal-Mart.

I'm home.

Summer? 2010

It's a Saturday night in Athens GA, my apartment smells like Rotten Fish Milk Chicken Gravy Don Beefy Mac, and I'm not going to leave. Since I started the two classes I'm currently taking a month ago, I have had more work to do then I think I've ever had before. Between that and the World Cup, I just haven't had time to think or worry about the things that usually cloud my mind (and subsequently cause me to write this blaggery). On top of that, my laptop's screen has been freaking out for a few days now and that prevents most in bed writing. Of course, tonight proves to be the exception, for I am in my bed with mind of cloud and a laptop screen that shivers with excitement (literally. well, I guess not. it shivers. How do you get excited?)

I just shifted the wrong way, and my screen turned purple. I better hurry this up.

I went to my house with a few friends yesterday. It was a lot of fun, and a little stressful. If anything is messed up now, I'm sure my mom will notice. This is why I hate nice things. My parents used to ask me why I never had people over to the house while I was in Middle School / High School, and I really think that sometimes they actually didn't know. For as long as I remember my mom has complained to me about how one of my sibling's friends has messed up this or ruined that and it'll cost a fortune to fix. From fishing poles to jet skis, nothing ever managed to escape the wrath of the friends of Johnson. What's the point of even living in a nice house on a lake if you can't enjoy it because you're too worried about every little thing that might get messed up?

When I grow up and get married, I'm living alone! You hear me? I'm living alone! I'm living alone!

The Lost Ones: Volume 1

I decided to go through all of my unpublished posts today, but I only made it through 2008 before I got bored. I ended up publishing many of them though, and I gave all of them the label: [Published Later] so it would be easy to sort them in case YOU (me?) wanted to see them without going through all the other ones. Many of them were ones that I felt were too short to publish at the time that I wrote them, but now I just don't care. If I could find anything that I thought was interesting (and I find a lot of what I say to be interesting) I published it. One was simply a picture and did not have any text whatsoever. I even published ones that I thought were too boring at the time that I wrote them. Not anymore! A lot of the drafts didn't have pictures though, so I went back and added pictures that were taken around the same time period, or ones that just fit the subject. But I didn't add text, so what is there is what I wrote at the time.

Of these 16 posts, a few of them are actually full length pieces that I chose not to originally post because I was too uncomfortable to put them on the internet due to my relationships at the time and personal insecurities. I guess I've grown detached enough now from everyone else that exists so that it doesn't really matter. If anyone actually does end up reading them, I doubt they'll care too much. And if they do, well, it was there fault for ending up here in the first place. These posts that I was most uncomfortable with at the time are the ones that are most interesting for me now because they not only bring back the emotions I felt while writing them but also the emotions that prevented me from publishing them. It's like a two for one special. I've always found memories and emotions to be two of the most amazing, painful, and interesting parts of life and I try to capture them on a daily basis. Apparently, sometimes I am successful.

Pot Kidney Pie

My Star Wars kick continues. I just spent the past 3 hours researching and recording information on Star Wars novels. That is where all my time goes. I pick something, get really obsessed with it, make several spreadsheets filled with information that I find interesting, and then move on.

One Hundred and Thirty Star Wars Novels. And that's not counting ANY of the Young Adult or eBook stories. I want to read them all. Unfortunately, I do not consider myself much of a reader. In the past few years I've probably averaged between 6 and 8 books a year. Not that I don't enjoy reading, I just don't DO it. Well, novels. The internet just provides me another path to acquire the basic information in a much shorter time period. I guess it all began in middle school with sparknotes and Lord of the Flies. I enjoyed Lord of the Flies, I flew through the first few chapters, but one day I just didn't have time to read the required chapters for the next day's class. The next day at school I picked up where the rest of the class was and I just never read those few chapters that I missed (turns out they were kind of important [Simon]). Enter, sparknotes chapter summaries. It was too easy. Twenty pages trimmed down into a few paragraphs, and it provided me all the information that I needed in order to get a higher grade on the test than most of the other students. I didn't see any reason not to use sparknotes. At least no reason not to use them for books I didn't really care for (a.k.a. Charles Dickens). Now, almost a decade later the internet has just grown larger and larger. Even though I haven't been to the sparknotes website in probably 5 years, I can find the same information in a dozen other locations. With wiki sites around every corner for every topic imaginable, I can find a summary with all the vital story points about anything I want. So, should I take the time and read/watch/listen to the entire thing, or should I read a shortened version with all the key points?

That last paragraph may have been misleading. I really do enjoy experiencing things how they were intended, whether it be through a book, a movie, or whatever else. I just sometimes wonder if I'm not wasting my time with the several hours it takes me to read a novel. But really though, what is time to waste? I'm making a crappy blag post; is that really a better use of my time than reading a 400 page Star Wars book? One could argue either I suppose, but I'd end up getting pissed at you for whatever side you chose because the argument itself would be an even bigger waste of time. I could learn summaries of hundreds of stories in the time it takes me to read the 5 books I'm looking at on my shelf right now, but the problem is that I hate spoilers. The internet is one giant spoiler. What was I talking about again?

New subject:

So it turns out that one of my buddies linked this worthless piece of trash blog in one of their recent posts. This made me conscious of the fact that everything I write on here can actually be viewed by anybody. I'm not sure I really like the idea of that since I find it a lot easier to write when I'm upset and thus I may come across as being one of those whiny little teenage assholes. I just read through all of my posts from 2009, and. Well, they all suck. And are good examples of the point I'm trying to make. I thought about deleting them for my own peace of mind, but I find them somewhat amusing. Plus, I suppose they're canon so I can't just toss them to the wind. Just because a story arc is bad doesn't mean you can disregard it from the series. As ridiculous as some of the things I write may be, apparently that's really what I was feeling at the time. I'm nuts. I also checked the number of unpublished drafts. 57. I wonder if there is anything worthwhile in any of those. That's not to say that there is anything worthwhile in any of these. Some of the pictures are fun. At least for me.

The Chicago Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup on Wednesday, and the World Cup started today. I really don't think it gets much better than this.

I feel like this post was very scatterbrained. I've been falling asleep for about an hour and a half now, so I guess I should actually do that. I might edit this all later, but

Death comes unexpectedly

You know, it would be nice if it wasn't so difficult to fall asleep most of the time. Sure there are those times when you just collapse and you're out for days, but there are so many times when all I want to do is sleep. Maybe my body is just scared to go to sleep after what I woke up to this morning. Here was the dream:

I was sitting either in an underground hill beside a road or an above ground one, it is unclear but I really think it was both. Next to me was some companion, but I cannot say who. I remember that we were trying to figure out some sort of puzzle, but I have no memory of what it could have been. As we thought about it, a caravan of old style cadillacs drove by, each driver with a golden helmet and a silver "blast shield" (whatever the eye cover that comes down from helmets is called, like from star wars). One driver reaches over his car and makes a C with his hand in a motion similar to that of "solid" but not a full fist. Next, I was in a jeep with Tarver driving and someone else sitting in the back seat going down the highway. We were in a remote location that reminds me of a cityless part of Texas or Arizona, but there was a lot of traffic. As we're driving another car pulls in front of us with a machine gun mounted on the back. Tarver sighs and says, "I called this," as they begin to fling hundred of bullets our way. I see his body get riddled and his eyes close as we pull off the road in a last ditch attempt at escape. I remember being filled with more dread than I have ever felt in my life. I was terrified. I had absolutely no desire to die, despite it being almost inevitable. As I tumbled out of the jeep onto the ground in a bloody mess, Tarver clearly already dead, the other passenger status unknown I covered my neck and thought, "Save me! save me! save me!" over and over again. I guess it was a last ditch attempt at God or anything that would save my life. It was the worst feeling I have ever felt in my life. I didn't feel any pain, simply terror. I was dying. I remember being enveloped in red and waking up with a jerk of my head and tears in my eyes. I couldn't move for over a minute and just sat there, thinking back on my death. I don't want to die at all.

So the question is, what is it that I do want? If dying scares me so much, what is it that drives me to stay alive? A family. Probably. Someone to care for and love me in return. I find myself wondering whether I will just be one of those guys that never finds anyone and just wastes his days drowning in his own pile of money. One of those uncles that you're not really sure about. A lighthearted fellow at all the extended family gatherings that is not nearly as happy as he seems. I don't understand how you couldn't want it. Not having that desire just seems so void of everything I want in life as a whole. But I guess that's what makes everything so cool. I think my favorite thing about everything is how awesome it is. Everyone is so different. The game is and always will be surrounding yourself with people that you can stand and that can stand you right on back.

Early to bed, early to rise

I could get up. Get out of bed and face my barking dogs, my bickering parents, and that big 'ole fire in the sky. Or I could stay here. In my giant bed and fortress of solitude. I have no particular reason to do one over the other. I'm not hungry, I don't have to use the bathroom. Those are usually the catalysts that get me started in the day. It's storming outside so there's no chance of swimming or running. Not that I really run. May 31, 2010. What a lovely waste you will be.

The Pokemon Regional Championships are less than a week away and I haven't even started getting a team ready. I think I'm going to go for it though. At least it will be something to set my mind on for the next 5 days. I don't know if I'll be satisfied by any team I can get ready by then, but whatever. It's Pokemon. It's not that big of a deal.

But nothing else is either.

I've been home for a few days now. I came home Thursday afternoon and now Monday just started. I guess that can be viewed as anywhere between 3 and 5 days. It seems like longer, but the days haven't seemed very long themselves. Whatever that statement does for you. Of course I planned on coming home, waking up at the same time as my parents and going to sleep at a relatively normal hour. I should have known better since that has never been the case. The house doesn't become mine until they're asleep, so I always wait to do laundry or watch TV until then. And to make matters worse, my dad has been going to sleep between 1 and 3 in the morning, so that means I don't get to sleep until between 4 and 7. This may become a problem if I can't fix it by the time next Monday rolls around. I've been "working" on a real sleep schedule for months and have yet to make any progress. I can always fix it later.

The Preserver

I watched Avatar the Blue People today. It was better than I expected it to be. Well, maybe it was exactly as good as I expected it to be. It was cool, and I was pleased to find that Canderous Ordo from Knights of the Old Republic was a main character.
They even gave him a Basilisk war droid to ride.
But really, I am impressed with how successful James Cameron was at making me desire to be a Mandalorian. That was the point of the movie after all, wasn't it?

The Poo Song

I'm sick and dying. And sick of dying. Facebook is bad for twins on their birthday. Other times too.

I've been trying to fall asleep for an hour. The Alex in another universe is getting a good night's sleep right now.

I do some of my best writing on the toilet. This writing is coming from the toilet. It must be some of my best writing.

I've found that I often end up without a shirt on when I poop. I never remember how it happens.

Does this picture make you uncomfortable too?

Intermission... (6:20 AM)

My internet died and it is four hours later. For some reason I felt cut off the instant my internet went out and I could finally fall asleep. Still, I awoke with an awful pain in my stomach. It is my body responding to the internet returning. I need to break away from technology. Back to the toilet.

HEY. I've felt the coldness of my winter. I never thought. It would EVA GOEOOO. I CURSED THE GLOOM THAT SET UPON US. But I love. That I love you so.


Tips for getting a good (8 hour) night sleep by these pros

1. Set a schedule and keep a regular sleep schedule. Go to bed at the same time, wake up at the same time. Do not nap within 8 hours of bedtime.

2. Exercise. Try to exercise for 20-30 minutes a day. Do not exercise within 2 hours of bedime.

3. Avoid caffeine, nicotine, and alcohol (also big meals 2 hours before bed).

4. Have a relaxing bedtime ritual (aka read sucka)

5. Sleep until sunlight

6. Don't lie in bed awake. Anxiety of not being able to fall asleep makes it worse. Try to avoid sleeping in other places than your bed.

7. Control your room environment and temperature. Try to avoid going to sleep with the television on.


I'm thinking 9:00 is a good time to wake up. All steps toward becoming a real boy again.

Isn't that right, Bob?

"To tell the truth... she was my first love. But broke my heart... and left me for another. Haaaaa Haa Ha Heh hehhh."- The man who is one hundred plus three years old about a 99 year old woman who just died (Dreams). I guess by that age, everything is sort of a joke. But love is still there, even love lost. It's hard not to be excited about the possibilities involved with every age in life. And that is why I want to live as long as possible.

I enjoy becoming emotionally involved with most things I experience. I've brought up crying in movies before, and I know men get criticized for it, women too I guess. But everyone is taught in grade school to try and make the reader or viewer feel whatever the characters in a story are feeling. So really, isn't connecting emotionally with everything the point? This will probably result in a heart attack.

And so what if it's "bad" by some people's standards, enjoy it anyway. I know I've argued about whether something is bad or not, but in the end it doesn't really matter. You aren't superior if you have better taste than someone else. And it doesn't solve anything to berate someone for their likes and dislikes. The way I see it, the person who gets enjoyment out of everything is clearly the winner over the person who searches high and low for the fault in everything. That being said, I really do think It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is an awful show. But it makes some people smile. And that's cool.

I'm at my apartment. By myself. Alone. It. Is. Refreshing? I often wonder what this year would have been like if I really did live by myself. And by that I mean not having people over much, or never at all. I know I messed up a lot this year. I've started to panic lately when I think about it. But whatever. Everything passes. Including kidney stones and ice-cream trucks.

It's almost done.

Good Morning.

I think it might be getting to the point where every thought I have is one that I've already thought before. Including that one. And around she goes.

ß∑¥øπœ

Hello. I have a Marketing Final in an hour and a half. Hope I get by! (audience laughter)

Coffee and nerds is the breakfast today. Or dinner, whichever way you look at it. How do you look at it? Why don't you ever answer?

So I'm thinking of starting a new dimension. It'll be mostly more colors. Maybe a song or two. But like... new stuff. Like imagine a color inside out. Like an awesome brown. Do that for me; I'll be a good boss.

The birds start chirping at around 4 in the morning. It's 6:30. They're still going at it. SUCKA MONEY.

Some people say "I don't know" when they really know. They're a bunch of liars.

When I empty my vacuum, dust gets everywhere. Cuts into my breathing time.

I just found that alt z does this: Ω. Check me out. Alphabet time: å∫ç∂´ƒ©˙ˆ∆˚¬µ˜øπœ®ß†¨√∑≈¥Ω. I see "Beyonce" in there somewhere. Title found.

These nerds claim to be "Hoppin'." I don't see it.

الأبله

It's hot in this apartment. I need to get out of here before it's too late.

April 2010

Watching Rounders always leads to an all night poker binge. I'm getting my life back on track. This year continues to beat me in a most peculiar manner. I need something to happen relatively soon. We're all slipping into our fucked up routines. I wonder if I've reached the point where the thrill of living is gone. I'm not upset, I'm just bored. And I look around and I know I'm not the only one.

Everyone has their own way of shaking things up, trying to get things going again. Mine usually happen at the beginning of a month, and, luckily, today is just that.

Step 1: Clean up kitchen
Step 2: Go to class
Step 3: Workout
Step 4: Clean up bedroom
Step 5: Buy Groceries
Step 6: Sleep

Cops

I just got a ride home from a cop. Terrifying.



Actually, he was a nice guy.

"OH no, Thunder! We better get inside."

The past two days have been beautiful. Spring is awesome. I guess. Still, I just want to sleep.

Your work here is finished my friend

From Wikipedia:
Love is any of a number of emotions related to a sense of strong affection and attachment.

love is commonly contrasted with hate
love is commonly contrasted with lust
love is commonly contrasted with friendship

From Bertrand Russell:
“To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead.”

“Love is something far more than desire for sexual intercourse; it is the principal means of escape from the loneliness which afflicts most men and women throughout the greater part of their lives.”

“Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness.”



Nice work. Great Chewie. Great, always thinking with your stomach.
*http://www.flickr.com/photos/etchasketchist/483098998/

Hooked

I sometimes wonder how I can go about every day the way I do. In a matter of not so much caring while still caring so much. It sucks being a wizard, Harry. Spring break needs to get here, even though I don't believe that I will be doing anything that week. It will be a good time to get back on track. Again. Again. Again.

It's funny how things are so obvious to us, yet we refuse to acknowledge them as reality. No, it's not even that. We know that things are how they are, yet we cling to this ridiculous notion that MAYBE something will change. MAYBE tomorrow will be different. Or next week. Or next party. Or next year. Why shouldn't they change? Wouldn't it be better if things went how we wanted them to? As someone who simply wants things to be positive, wouldn't my desires coming true make things a little better? And then every day begins to drag by. Time becomes meaningless as you are simply waiting for something different to happen. I couldn't tell you the difference between today and any day last week. Or the week before that. The thrill is not there. Paprika.

Emotions are mess. That's what gets us. They aren't rational. That's why the smart kids in grade school never had girlfriends. We couldn't figure it out. And now, maybe it's some ridiculous game of cat and mouse with new college tools added. Get drunk, hook up. But once you're drunk, it's not like you are actually with the person. Or what if the next day you realize that the other regrets the decision? But you can't meet someone in a sober environment. Do they make those? But does that mean that we should sacrifice temporary happiness in fear of future disappointment? Or outside disapproval? What does it matter? Grab what's there at the time. No? They're involved. Oh... Hard to tell sometimes. You're involved. Oh... Hard to tell sometimes. What the hell, we're kids! This is it. Fun is over in a year. Life begins in a year. Nothing really matters. Uh oh.

Do what you want. Soon I won't care anymore.

I love getting advice from George Clooney. Things are about to get good. At least for the next two weeks. Life returns. Body massage. Doing laundry. Getting paid. Snowing a little bit. Wasting less time. Getting up. Taking showers. Making food. Eating it. Reading books. Eating it.

You know... I want a dog.

P.S. Dream Last Night quick recap:
Walking to high school with matthew and katie. Forget my backpack on the street way back at the start of the walk. Run back to go get it. Bake sale. Clay asks if I'm going to get a snack. You can only take 1 and it has to have a birthday candle in it. He's wants potato chips. I take a muffin. He takes everything else out of frustration. I take my backpack and go back to school. Walk down stairs, see 1 man and george clooney. Im wearing a button up shirt, but its unbuttoned. The first man says that I should button up my shirt, George Clooney grabs a lower upper button and says "but only to here" I nod and smile, George smirks. I start walking down, look back up and say "I love getting advice from George Clooney. He smirks and I wake up

Starman

I had an interesting dream last night. Isn't that how it always start?

There was a snake in the grass that kept biting me and this one other kid. I don't remember who it was. Fortunately, apparently if you wear a lot of shirt, the snake will just get caught in the fabric and then you can just hold it there. Looking right at the most terrifying creature on the planet. You looking at him, him looking at you. Fortunately I ended up at Chick-fil-A. I only ordered water this time, but I saw someone from middle school that I havent seen or heard from since... middle school (call him Cook). He was with two other people that I knew but wasn't really friends with (we'll call them Brick and Tractor) and two people I had never seen before. Brick had dropped out of college to work for a seed company and Tractor was currently enrolled in two classes: PRGM (this is how he abbreviated programming) and Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2. After Tractor told me his schedule one of the ones I didn't know sort of made fun of him for dropping so many classes. I believe his exact words were, "I only drop classes when I have spouse issues or former spouse teacher issues." Right after he said the latter Brick said something along the lines of, "Yeah, that's really incredible that you got the same teacher that caused Barbara to break up with you." Rough. Anyway I forced a little more awkward conversation out before seeing some Indians and Ugly Girls sitting at a long table a little ways away from me. I told Cook that I was going to sit with them and he looked at me in an semi-disgusted matter. I made some sort of joke that didn't get any laughs and then questioned my sense of humor.

You know, trying to form this dream into a reality is ruining the ridiculousness of the dream. Basically, I went to Chick-fil-A three times, saw people that I haven't seen in years, got attacked by a snake between two unknown houses. And probably some other stuff. I guess it's only interesting because it's not what you expect to dream when you go to sleep with your mind filled with other things. This is a dick to read isn't it?

"There's a starrrrrrmannnnnn waiting in the sky." I kept saying this last night. It probably got annoying for everyone but me. Screw you guys.

I thought about going home today. I really need to clean up everything (clothes, room, school, life, face paint). I can always wait a little longer. My eyes are burning. Rain!!!

I don't mind.

I'm very dehydrated, Citrus Drop in hand. My urine is the color of a flourescent soccer ball. Everybody's busy with the washing. He's got the Fever and the light no longer works in my fridge.

No work, all play. Kill the beast.

Back to the drawing board.

Had to get away for a little bit. Tried something else, but it had no soul. Guess I'll jump right back in.

I cannot study Marketing for five minutes before I get the fury. It's the same problem I had with Management last semester. It's just a garbage waste of life class.

Common types of questions:
- Projective technique
> If a Wendy's hamburger could talk to a McDonald's or a Burger King hamburger, what would it say?

That's a slide. The entire slide. I hate you, Marketing. It's the shit of the bull. It sucks that I'm going to get a D in this class because I never go and I can't bring myself to memorize this... this. Chapter 8: Marketing Research. I'm sorry Mrs. Teacher, I do not care what you have to say to me. Take my $900 and go.

I'm losing the race right now. I try simple tricks to catch up and I fall further behind. I sometimes worry, I sometimes don't. 2010 has sucked, but I'm enjoying it.